Boyfriend Living With Me Not Paying Rent
Reader With Cheapskate writes,
I have been dating a man for the past 7 months and have recently moved in with him. We are blending our families (his two sons aged 11 and 7) whom he has 50% of the time and my two children (aged 4 and 8) whom I have full time. Both of our prior relationships with our children's parents were very dysfunctional and we are both trying very hard to proceed in this relationship being careful not to repeat past mistakes.
Our primary issue seems to be money. Originally when I moved into his house, I agreed to pay $700 all inclusive plus we would alternate weeks for groceries. Because he had been "burned" in the past by his children's mother who defrauded him out of thousands of dollars, his family, whom I love dearly and are very level headed people, encouraged us to sign a cohabitation agreement which protects his interests in his home in the event that we ever separate. Being a good sport, I signed this agreement even though I personally though it unnecessary. I told him because of this I would not pay any money toward his mortgage or renovations to the house, considering I would reap none of the financial reward. We do not have a joint bank account.
The problem is that I am in the negative every month with this arrangement. Originally he said $600/month for rent. Then we agreed to increase to $700 because winters are horrible and long and heating costs are high.
He encourages me to fix up the house and make it a home for us and I am eager to do that. Originally I would buy the items and we would split the costs… but when I asked for his half of the money he never had it, or would give it to me later. It would turn in to a scenario where I would have to start asking repeatedly, which I am very uncomfortable doing and is a major trigger for me from my past relationship (which he knows), and basically I would never get the money. So I stopped. I ask him for the money in advance. The problem is that he keeps saying he has no money and refuses to give me any. Or he argues about the necessity of what I am doing (coat racks for all the winter gear for 6 people so it's not flung all over the living room!).
He works a fulltime job plus odd jobs, so he has a lot of extra income plus my rent, and yet he still claims to have no money. My expenses have increased since moving in with him. For example, now that I live out of town, driving to work is extra gas. My family is not here to babysit, so now I have to pay a sitter. When it's my turn to buy groceries, I am feeding his children and him…..
This month, I showed him my bank statements. Due to some unexpected expenses, I have $5.88 in my bank account till next Thursday , and about $45.00 on my credit card. We are squabbling over $5 that he owes me when I had to buy "elf on the shelves" for his kids and he didn't give me enough money and I had to put it on my credit card. He has owed me the difference for about three days and I am getting very angry. He has spent over $500 on his children for Christmas (using my rent money) while I will only be able to afford $100 for each of my children.
I love this man. Other than this issue, he is wonderful and our families are blending very nicely and I am very happy. But this issue with money is reminding me of my ex (whom made a lot of money and I had to file for bankruptcy while living with him because he would not share or offer to cover expenses, while I was off on maternity leave with the kids). This makes me feel resentful and brings up trust issues, because if I can't trust him to pay me back $5, what does that say about things?
Dear WC,
As I discuss here, there is a lot to be concerned about when a partner is cheap, and particularly when they renege upon financial agreements. This man doesn't sound like he wants to split money evenly. He is generous with his own kids, providing them with a lot of Christmas gifts, but with you, he is far from generous with you, financially or emotionally. He is dismissing your anger and sense of injustice about finances, which is emotionally hurtful.
Financial withholding is on the same plane as emotional withholding. I would imagine that even further back than your ex, you experienced emotional withholding from a parent, which made this dynamic with two consecutive financially withholding men seem familiar on a deep level. I believe that you are so desperate for this relationship to work out, especially since your kids are involved, that you are ignoring the signs that your boyfriend may not be fully able or willing to merge your lives.
First there's the pre-nup, then there's his baggage from his ex, then there's the lack of a joint account, even for big line items like rent. It is possible that your boyfriend is keeping his guard up, and may not trust women because of his marriage. He may subconsciously believe that all women are out to get his money, which some guys believe. On your end, you are enabling his self-centered behavior by continuing to spend money on him and on your home even though he's not reimbursing you. You likely need to explore your tendencies toward codependency. A good book for this is Codependent No More.
I recommend that you two see a couples counselor as well as a financial planner. A therapist can help with the resentment that is creeping up on both sides, and explore how financial issues lead to emotional disconnect. A therapist can also help you explore how each of you grew up financially, which may be impacting your different ideas about how much money "should" be spent on the kids and the home. A financial planner can help you figure out what exactly you need to spend and to save, as well as how to budget. (For instance, buying multiple elves on shelves may not be the most financially sound choice when you have less than $5 in your bank account. One elf can do the job.)
Thanks for writing in, and I hope he gives you the $5. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Stay Away From Withholding People.
UPDATE!
Thank you so much for your wonderful advice back in January's article: Live in Boyfriend Won't Pay His Half of the Rent.
I was the personal who originally wrote in, and I thought you might be interested in an update.
We left off where he was failing to reimburse me for things around the house, and overcharging me rent ($700). We had a fairly epic blow up about it where I stated that I would not continue this way, expressed my feelings and concerns and offered some viable solutions. He undermined my feelings, stated I was making a "mountain out of a mole hill" and refused to even consider any of my solutions (I offered three choices). The end result was that he complained to his mother (whom you will remember I love and respect and we have a wonderful relationship and she is known in the family as being the very level headed financial person), who sided with me, stormed down to the house and sat down with him (while I was at work), and sorted through the bills. I came home from work and was told that going forward my half of the "rent" would be $200. So for three months I had been paying $700 per month and it was now reduced down to $200 per month. He did not offer a refund for the difference in all my over paying.
In the meantime other aspects of our relationship were deteriorating. His 11 year old ADHD and ODD son was suspended from school for the second time (the first was for calling a teacher a C*NT and the second for bullying a disabled child whom he told he should just "kill himself because no one likes him anyways", and then smashed his head off the gym wall). This was a child who was in our home 50% of the time and around my two children. He was a nightmare. His behaviours continued to escalate to the point where I was becoming concerned for the safety of my children. Neither my mom or my dad (who are divorced and do not communicate) liked his 11 year old, and refused to babysit him alongside my kids.
He refused to read or educate himself about ADHD and ODD and how to manage these behaviours, and the child's mother denied any problems at her house and refused to consent to medical treatment. Neither parent could recall how he received his diagnoses, or when he last had bloodwork. Each blamed the other which was all out warfare.
His ex (children's mother) blamed me for all problems in life, and sent harassing texts to his phone about me using the most vile language possible. She is your classic example of parental alienation, and yet is very violent towards the boys. I encouraged my boyfriend to seek professional counselling for the boys, to take her back to court to reduce access, and was told time after time that the "boys need a mother". This mother chokes her children out, and lies to them about their dad.
In light of all this going on, one night my boyfriend, out of the blue, issues me an ultimatum about my three year old boy, stating that if I didn't "step it up" with my parenting, and get his whining under control them our relationship would be over.
From that point on my BF considered himself the Dr. Phil of parenting advice and took it upon himself to dictate to me how much time I should be spending with them in the evening, what they should be eating, how to handle his whining.
This resulted in a lot of fighting, because I considered it very rich that someone who has such an ill mannered, out of control child should be tell me how to raise my wonderful, sweet children.
It was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. My rosy coloured glasses were off, and he was horrible. Not a worthy partner to me, a horrible step father to my children. A very lazy, self-indulged parent to his own children. My family and friends disliked him and encouraged me to leave asap.
I left for a few days, but then moved back in, and he promised he would change, be better, etc because he just loves me soooo much, and I gave him three weeks. It became intolerable. Three weeks were up and I was able to lease my old apartment that the kids and I had before we moved in with him. We agreed to date from afar but live in separate households. By this point, I was emotionally exhausted, depleted, spent. We went to therapy when he realized I was leaving for good, and we spent 50 minutes of our hour appointment discussing the logistics of dating while living apart. In the last ten minutes he tells the therapist that he loves me and would never cheat on me, but living apart would make it less likely that he would be faithful to me!!!!
I told him it was completely over, that based on that statement and what I already felt, that this relationship had no future.
By the end, I was doing everything in the house. All the housework, laundry, pets, children to and from school, homework, bedtime, I asked him for help and then his true colours began to show — he response was that he worked 40 hours a week and he just wants to relax when he is home. I only work 3 days a week, so somehow everything is my job. Even dealing with his children. He was controlling but it crept up quietly so that I didn't notice until the end, how drastically my life had changed and how severely unhappy I was. He was a clone of my ex. The difference was my ex was an asshole and never apoligized for it. This guy pretended to be a nice guy, but was one of the biggest douche bags out there.
I have gone no contact. I had to block him on my phone. He still is able to leave voice messages, however it goes directly to vm. He fills the vm with pleading, crying, begging, saying he will change. I finally had to break no contact to tell him anything further and I will take it to the police as harassment.
I am seeking individual counselling to discuss my issues with chosing these same horrible men over and over. Looking back, the pattern between my kids dad and this guy is almost identical.
I can't really talk to my family or friends about it, because they hated the guy and think my life will be so much better without him. I've been reading up on narssists and he is your classic example. The problem is that I feel so ashamed. I had so much going for me before I met this guy. And I allowed him to change me into someone else. And my kids trusted me to do what is right for them. I failed myself and I failed them. But because he is like their dad, they think it's normal. He never physically abused me, and he never called me names, but everything else inbetween. It's a real headgame that I'm struggling to come out of on the other side.
Thanks for listending/reading. I appreciate your original advice. Reading the comments following the article was a bitter pill to shallow, but I am thankful for everyone's input.
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Order Dr. Rodman's newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person
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Boyfriend Living With Me Not Paying Rent
Source: https://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/01/16/live-boyfriend-wont-pay-half-rent/
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